Listen to the man...and ride your bike!
Wednesday, 12 December 2012
Tuesday, 11 December 2012
Obey the Rules
"Road Racing is a discipline of the highest order. We spend our days pouring over the very essence of what makes ours such a special sport and how that essence fits into cycling’s colourful fabric. This is the Velominati’s raison d’être. This is where the Velominati can be ourselves. This is our agony – our badge of honor – our sin."
Rule #1
// Obey The
Rules.
It is forbidden for
someone familiar with The Rules to knowingly assist another person to breach
them.1
No matter how good you think your reason is to knowingly
breach The Rules, it is never good enough.
It is, absolutely,
without question, unequivocally, about the bike. Anyone who says otherwise is
obviously a twatwaffle.
Your mind is your worst enemy. Do all your thinking before you
start riding your bike. Once the pedals start to turn, wrap yourself in the
sensations of the ride – the smell of the air, the sound of the tires, the
feeling of flight as the bicycle rolls over the road.
Under no
circumstances should one be rolling up their sleeves or shorts in an effort to
somehow diminish one’s tan
lines. Sleeveless jerseys are under no circumstances to be
employed.
Valid options are:
- Match the saddle to the bars and the tires to black; or
- Match the bars to the color of the frame at the top of the head tube and the saddle to the color of the frame at the top of the seat tube and the tires to the color where they come closest to the frame; or
- Match the saddle and the bars to the frame decals; or
- Black, black, black
Fair-weather riding is a luxury reserved for Sunday afternoons
and wide boulevards. Those who ride in foul weather – be it cold, wet, or
inordinately hot – are members of a special club of riders who, on the morning
of a big ride, pull back the curtain to check the weather and, upon seeing rain
falling from the skies, allow a wry smile to spread across their face. This is a
rider who loves the work.
Climbing is hard.
It stays hard. To put it another way, per Greg Henderson: “Training is like
fighting with a gorilla. You don’t stop when you’re tired. You stop when the
gorilla is tired.” Sur
la Plaque, fucktards.4
Sean
Kelly, being interviewed after the ’84 Amstel Gold Race, spots his wife
leaning against his Citroën AX. He interrupts the interview to tell her to get
off the paintwork, to which she shrugs, “In your life the car comes first, then
the bike, then me.” Instinctively, he snaps back, “You got the order wrong. The
bike comes first.”21
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While the minimum
number of bikes one should own is three,
the correct number is
n+1, where n is the number of
bikes currently owned. This equation may also be re-written as s-1,
where s is the number of bikes owned that would result in
separation from your partner.
Paradoxically, the
same mind that holds such control over the body is also woefully fragile and
prone to superstitious thought. It fills easily with doubt and is distracted by
ancillary details. This is why the tape must always be perfect, the machine
silent, the kit spotless. And, if you draw the unlucky Number 13, turn
it upside down to counter-act its negative energy.
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Team-issue shorts should be black, with the possible exception
of side-panels, which may match the rest of the team kit.
Black shorts, or at
least standard team-kit shorts, must be worn with Championship jerseys and race
leadership jerseys. Don’t over-match your kit, or accept that you will look like
a douche.
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Championship and race leader jerseys must only be worn if
you’ve won the championship or led the race.
Wearing Pro team kit is also questionable if you’re not paid
to wear it. If you must fly the colors of Pro teams, all garments should match
perfectly, i.e no Mapei jersey with Kelme shorts and Telekom socks.
Cyclocross is a middle-ground. Best to wear cross-specific
kit: skin suits only. No exceptions.
Cyclocross is a middle-ground. Best to wear cross-specific
kit: skin suits only. No exceptions.
These are:
- If your quads start to burn, shift forward to use your hamstrings and calves, or
- If your calves or hamstrings start to burn, shift back to use your quads, or
- If you feel wimpy and weak, meditate on Rule #5 and train more!
Knickers, vests,
arm warmers, shoe covers, and caps beneath your helmet can all make you look
like a hardman,
when the weather warrants their use.
Cycling caps can be
worn under helmets, but never when not riding, no matter how hip you
think you look. This will render one a douche, and should result in public
berating or beating. The only time it is acceptable to wear a cycling cap is
while directly engaged in cycling activities and while clad in cycling kit. This
includes activities taking place prior to and immediately after the ride such as
machine tuning and tire pumping. Also included are cafe appearances for
pre-ride espressi and post-ride pub appearances for body-refueling ales
(provided said pub has sunny, outdoor patio – do not stray inside a pub
wearing kit or risk being ceremoniously beaten by leather-clad biker chicks).
Under these conditions, having your cap skull-side tipped jauntily at a
rakish angle is, one might say, de rigueur. All good things must be
taken in measure, however, and as such it is critical that we let sanity and
good taste prevail: as long as the first sip of the relevant caffeine or
hop-based beverage is taken whilst beads of sweat, snow, or rain are still
evident on one’s brow then it is legitimate for the cap to be worn. However,
once all that remains in the cranial furrows is salt, it is then time to shower,
throw on some suitable après-ride attire (a woollen Molteni Arcore training top
circa ’73 comes to mind) and return to the bar, folded copy of pastel-coloured
news publication in hand, ready for formal fluid replacement. It is also helpful
if you are a Giant of the Road, as demonstrated here,
rather than a giant douchebag. 5
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If it’s not cold or wet and you are still wearing shoe covers
it’s because you’re a pussy
This includes while discussing cycling in the workplace with
your non-cycling coworkers, serving to further mystify our sport in the web of
their Neanderthalic cognitive capabilities. As the confused expressin spreads
across their unibrowed faces, casually mention your shaved legs. All of
cycling’s monuments are measured in the metric system and as such the English
system is forbidden.
Or at least be
relatively more expensive. Basically, if you’re putting your Huffy on your
Rolls, you’re in trouble, mister. Remember what Sean
said.
When photographing your bike, gussy her up properly for the
camera. Valve stems at 6 o’clock. Cranks around the 30 degree mark. Not 90 or
180. Chain on the big dog. No bidons in the cages.
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Not too
long and not too
short. (Disclaimer: despite Sean Yates’ horrible choice in shorts length, he
is a quintessential hard man of cycling and is deeply admired by the Velominati.
Whereas Armstrong’s short and sock lengths are just plain wrong.) No socks is a
no-no, as are those ankle-length ones that should only be worn by female tennis
players.
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White is old school cool. Black is cool too, but were given a
bad image by a Texan whose were too long. If you fell you must go colored, make
sure they damn well match your kit. Tip: DeFeet Wool-E-Ators rule.
Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only
acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.
Either Co2
cannisters or mini-pumps should be carried in jersey pockets (See Rule
#31). The only exception to this rule is to mount a Silca brand frame
pump in the rear triangle of the frame, with the rear wheel skewer as the pump
mount nob, as demonstrated by members of the 7-Eleven and Ariostea pro cycling
teams. As such, a frame pump mounted upside-down and along the left (skewer
lever side) seat stay is both old skool and euro and thus acceptable. We restate
at this time that said pump may under no circumstances be a Zefal and must be
made by Silca. Said Silca pump must be fitted with a Campagnolo head. It is
acceptable to gaffer-tape a mini-pump to your frame when no C02 cannisters are
available and your pockets are full of spare kit and energy gels. However, the
rider should expect to be stopped and questioned and may be required to empty
pockets to prove there is no room in them for the pump.
If absolutely
necessary, in a converted bidon in a cage on bike. Or, use one of
these.
Hydration packs are never to be seen on a road
rider’s body. No argument will be entered into on this. For MTB, they are
cool.
Legs are to be
carefully shaved at all times. If, for some reason, your legs are to be left
hairy, make sure you can dish out plenty of hurt to shaved riders, or be
considered a hippie douche on your way to a Critical Mass. Whether you use a
straight razor or a Bowie knife, use Baxter
to keep them smooth.
On a mountain bike.
Road helmets can be
worn on mountain bikes, but never the other way around. If you want
shade, see Rule
#22.
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No exceptions. This is for various reasons that may or may not
matter; it’s just the way it is.
Train Properly: if you get passed by someone, it is nothing
personal, just accept that on the day/effort/ride they were stronger than you.
If you can’t deal, work harder. But don’t go playing leap frog to get in front
only to be taken over again (multiple times) because you can’t keep up the pace.
Especially don’t do this just because the person overtaking you is a woman.
Seriously. Get over it.
You should not make
a habit of riding without eyewear, although approved extenuating circumstances
include fog, overheating, and lighting condition. When not worn over the eyes,
they should be neatly tucked into the vents
of your helmet. If they don’t fit, buy a new helmet. In the meantime you
can wear them backwards on the back of your head or carefully tuck them into
your jersey pocket, making sure not to scratch them on your tools (see item
31).
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Pro mechanics do it because it makes it easier to find the
valve. You do this because that’s the way pro mechanics do it. This will save
you precious seconds while your fat ass sits on the roadside fumbling with your
CO2 after a flat. It also looks better for photo opportunities. Note: This
obviously only applies to clinchers as tubulars don’t give you a
choice.
Quick release angle
on the front skewer shall be an upward angle which tightens just aft of the fork
and the rear quick release shall tighten at an angle that bisects angle between
the seat and chain stays. It is acceptable, however, to have the rear quick
release tighten upward, just aft of the seat stay, when the construction of the
frame or its dropouts will not allow the preferred positioning. For Time Trial
bikes only, quick releases may be in the horizontal position facing towards the
rear of the bike. This is for maximum aero effect.9
If it’s preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run, it is
not called a bike race, it is called duathlon or a triathlon. Neither of which
is a bike race. Also keep in mind that one should only swim in order to prevent
drowning, and should only run if being chased. And even then, one should only
run fast enough to prevent capture.
But if you absolutely must be a jackass, be
a funny jackass. Always remember, we’re all brothers and sisters on the
road.
In order to find The
V-Locus, a rider’s handlebars on their road bike must always be lower than
their saddle. The only exception to this is if you’re revolutionizing
the sport, in which case you must also be prepared to break the World Hour
Record. The minimum allowable tolerance is 4cm; there is no maximum, but people
may berate
you if they feel you have them too low.
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A maximum stack height of 2cm is allowed below the stem and a
single 5mm spacer must always – always – be stacked above. A “slammed
down” stack height is preferable; meaning that the stem is positioned directly
on the top race of the headset.
Handlebars will be mounted parallel to the ground or angled
slightly upward. While they may never be pointed down at all, they may
be angled up slightly; allowed handlebar tilt is to be between 180 and 175
degrees with respect to the level road. The brake levers will preferably be
mounted such that the end of the brake lever is even with the bottom of the bar.
Modern bars, however, dictate that this may not always be possible, so
tolerances are permitted within reason. Brake hoods should not approach anything
near 45 degrees, as some riders with poor taste have been insisting on
doing.
Cycling and beer are so intertwined we may never understand
the full relationship. Beer is a recovery drink, an elixir for post-ride trash
talking and a just plain excellent thing to pour down the neck. We train to
drink so don’t fool around. Drink quality beer from real breweries. If it is
brewed with rice instead of malted barley or requires a lime, you are off the
path. Know your bittering units like you know your gear length. Life is short,
don’t waste it on piss beer.
The seating area of a saddle is to be visually level, with the
base measurement made using a spirit level. Based on subtleties of saddle design
and requirements of comfort, the saddle may then be pitched slightly forward or
backward to reach a position that offers stability, power, and comfort. If the
tilt of the saddle exceeds two degrees, you need to go get one of those saddles
with springs and a thick gel pad because you are obviously a big
pussy.
No full beards, no moustaches. Goatees are permitted only if
your name starts with “Marco” and ends with “Pantani”, or if your head is
intentionally or unintentionally bald. One may never shave on the morning of an
important race, as it saps your virility, and you need that to kick
ass.
While we hate
cancer, isn’t it better to just donate some money and not have to advertise the
fact for the next five years? You may as well get “tryhard wanker” tattooed on
your forehead. Or you may well be a
bogan.
If you find you need it, try pointing your bike up
the hill for a change.
As a courtesy to
those around you, your kit should always be freshly laundered, and, under no
circumstances should the crackal region of your shorts be worn
out or see-through.
Aerobars or other clip-on attachments are under no
circumstances to be employed on your road bike. The only exception to this is if
you are competing in a mountain timetrail.
If you are riding down a mountain, you must first
have ridden up the mountain. It is forbidden to employ powered
transportation simply for the cheap thrill of descending. The only exception to
this is if you are doing intervals on Alpe d’Huez or the Plan de Corones and you
park your car up top before doing 20 repeats of the climb.
When wearing
cycling kit and enjoying a pre or post ride coffee, it is only appropriate to
drink espresso or macchiato. If the word soy/skim latte is heard to be used by a
member wearing cycling apparel, then that person must be ceremonially beaten
with Co2 canisters or mini pumps by others within the community.6
Never buy bikes, parts or accessories online. Going into your
local shop, asking myriad inane questions, tying up the staff’s time, then going
online to buy is akin to sleeping with your best friend’s wife, then having a
beer with him after. Online is evil and will be the death of the bike shop. If
you do purchase parts online, be prepared to mount and maintain them yourself.
If you enter a shop with parts you have bought online and expect them to fit
them, be prepared to be told to see your online seller for fitting and warranty
help.
Ride predictably,
and don’t make sudden movements. And, under no circumstances, are you to deviate
from your line.
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You are not, under any circumstances, to employ the use of the
washer-nut and valve-stem cap that come with your inner-tubes or tubulars. They
are only supplied to meet shipping regulations. They are useless when it comes
to tubes and tires.
Under no
circumstances may your saddle have more than 3mm of padding. Special allowances
will be made for stage racing when physical pain caused by subcutaneous cysts
and the like (“saddle sores”) are present. Under those conditions, up to 5mm of
padding will be allowed – it should be noted that this exception is only
temporary until the condition has passed or been excised. A hardman would not
change their saddle at all but instead cut a hole in it to relieve pressure on
the delicate area. It is noted that if Rule
#48 and/or Rule
#5 is observed then any “padding” is superfluous.7
Signal a left turn by pointing your left arm to the left. To
signal a right turn, simply point with your right arm to the right. This one is,
presumably, mostly for Americans: that right-turn signal that Americans are
taught to make with your left arm elbow-out and your forearm pointing upwards
was developed for motor-vehicles prior to the invention of the electric turn
signal since it was rather difficult to reach from the driver-side all the way
out the passenger-side window to signal a right turn. On a bicycle, however, we
don’t have this limitation and it is actually quite easy to point your right arm
in the direction you are turning. The American right-turn signal just makes you
look like you’re waving “hello” to traffic.
This pattern continues until it falls sharply and
suddenly.
Bicycles must
adhere to the Principle
of Silence and as such must be meticulously maintained. It must
be cherished, and when leaning it against a wall, must be leaned carefully such
that only the bars, saddle, or tires come in contact with the wall or post.
This is true even when dismounting prior to collapsing
after the World Championship Time Trial. No squeaks, creaks, or chain noise
allowed. Only the soothing hum of your tires upon the tarmac and the rhythm of
your breathing may be audible when riding. When riding the Pave, the sound of
chain slap is acceptable. The Principle of Silence can be extended to say that
if you are suffering such that your breathing begins to adversely effect the
enjoyment of the other riders in the bunch, you are to summarily sit up and
allow yourself to be dropped.10
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Mirrors are allowed
on your (aptly named) Surly
Big Dummy or your Surly
Long Haul Trucker. Not on your road steed. Not on your Mountain bike. Not on
your helmet. If someone familiar with The Rules has sold you such an
abomination, return the mirror and demand a refund, plus interest and
damages.
Nobody likes a wheel sucker. You might think you’re playing a
smart tactical game by letting everyone else do the work while you sit on, but
races (even Town Sign Sprints) are won through cooperation and spending time on
the rivet, flogging yourself and taking risks. Riding wheels and jumping past at
the end is one thing and one thing only: poor sportsmanship.
Rides are to be
measured by the quality of their distance and never by distance alone. For
climbing rides, distances should be referred to by the amount
of vertical covered; flat and rolling rides should be referred to by their
distance and average speed. For example, declaring “We rode 4km” would assert
that 4000m were covered during the ride, with the distance being irrelevant.
Conversely, a flat ride of 150km at 23kmh is not something that should be
discussed in an open forum and Rule
#5 must be reviewed at once.7
Any walking
conducted while wearing cycling shoes must be strictly limited. When taking a
slash or filling bidons during a 200km ride (at 38kmh, see Rule
#68) one is to carefully stow one’s bicycle at the nearest point navigable
by bike and walk the remaining distance. It is strictly prohibited that under
any circumstances a cyclist should walk up a steep incline, with the obvious
exception being when said incline is blocked by riders who crashed because you
are on the Koppenberg. For clarification, see Rule
#5.7
Know how to train
properly and stick to your training plan. Ignore other cyclists with whom
you are not intentionally riding. The time for being competitive is not during
your training rides, but during competition.
Cables should
create a perfect
arc around the headtube and, whenever possible, cross under the downtube.
Right shifter cable should go to the left cable stop and vice versa.
Forgo the data and ride on feel; little compares to the
pleasure of riding as hard as your mind will allow. If you are not a Pro or
aspire to be one, then you don’t need a SRM or PowerTap. To paraphrase BSNYC, an
amateur cyclist using a power meter is like hiring an accountant to tell you how
poor you are. As for Garmins, how often do you get lost on a ride? They are
bulky, ugly and superflous. Cycle computers should be simple, small and mounted
on the stem. And preferably wireless.
Remove it from your frame before the next training ride
because no matter how cool you think it looks, it does not look cool. Unless you
are in a race. In which case it looks cool.
When not worn,
helmets are to be clipped to the stem and draped over your handlebars thusly.
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Cycling is not an
excuse to litter. Do not throw your empty gel packets, energy bar wrappers or
punctured tubes on the road or in the bush. Stuff em in your jersey pockets, and
repair that tube when you get home.12
When racing in a
criterium of 60 minutes or less the second (unused) water bottle cage must be
removed in order to preserve the aesthetic of the racing machine.13
Town lines must be contested or at least faked if you’re not
in to it or too shagged to do anything but pedal the bike.
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Crashes may only be
discussed and recounted when the rider or spectator has ended up requiring
hospitalization. Otherwise revert to Rule
#5.
Whilst riding in
cold and/or Rule
#9 conditions replete with arm warmers, under no circumstances is there
to be any exposed skin between the hems of your kit and the hems of your arm. If
this occurs, you either need to wear a kit that fits you properly or increase
the size of your guns. Arm warmers may, however, be shoved to the wrists in Five
and Dime scenarios, particularly those involving Rule
#9 conditions. The No-Gap Principle also applies to knee and leg warmers
with the variation that these are under no circumstances to be scrunched down
around the ankles; Merckx have mercy on whomever is caught in such a sorry,
sorry state. It is important to note that while one can wear arm warmers without
wearing knee or leg warmers, one cannot wear knee or leg warmers without wearing
arm warmers (or a long sleeve jersey). It is completely inappropriate to have
uncovered arms, while covering the knees, with the exception of brief periods of
time when the arm warmers may be shoved to the wrists while going uphill in a Five
and Dime situation. If the weather changes and one must remove a layer, the
knee/leg coverings must go before the arm coverings. If that means that said
rider must take off his knee or leg warmers while racing, then this is a skill
he must be accomplished in. The single exception would be before an event in
which someone plans on wearing neither arm or leg warmers while racing, but
would like to keep the legs warm before the event starts; though wearing a long
sleeve jersey over the racing kit at this time is also advised. One must not
forget to remove said leg warmers. 16
Unless you are
followed by a team car, you will repair your own punctures. You will do so
expediently, employing your own skills, using your own equipment, and without
complaining that your expensive tyres are too tight for your puny thumbs to fit
over your expensive rim. The fate of a rider who has failed to equip himself
pursuant to Rule
#31, or who knows not how to use said equipment, shall be determined at the
discretion of any accompanying or approaching rider in accordance with Rule
#84.17
Consistently with
The Code Of The Domestique, the announcement of a flat tyre in a training ride
entitles – but does not oblige – all riders then present in the bunch to cease
riding without fear of being labelled Pussies. All stopped riders are thereupon
entitled – but not obliged – to lend assistance, instruction and/or stringent
criticism of the tyre mender’s technique. The duration of a Rule
#84 stop is entirely discretionary, but is generally inversely proportional
to the duration of the remaining time available for post-ride espresso.17
All descents shall
be undertaken at speeds commonly regarded as “ludicrous” or “insane” by those
less talented. In addition all corners will be traversed in an
outside-inside-outside trajectory, with the outer leg extended and the inner leg
canted appropriately (but not too far as to replicate a motorcycle racer, for
you are not one), to assist in balance and creation of an appealing aesthetic.
Brakes are generally not to be employed, but if absolutely necessary, only just
prior to the corner. Also see Rule
#64.18
Never half-wheel
your riding partners; it’s terrible form – it is always the other guy who sets
the pace. Unless, of course, you are on the rivet, in which case it’s an
excellent intimidation
technique.22
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The upside of always leaving on time is considerable. Others
will be late exactly once. You signal that the sanctity of this ride, like all
rides, is not something with which you should muck. You demonstrate, not with
words but with actions, your commitment. As a bonus, you make more time for
post-ride espresso. “On Time”, of course, is taken to mean at V past the hour or
half hour.
When rolling onto
the front to take your turn in the wind, see Rule
#67, do not suddenly lift the pace unless trying to establish a break. The
key to maintaining a high average speed is to work with your companions and
allow no gaps to form in the line. It is permissible to lift the pace gradually
and if this results in people being dropped then they have been ridden off your
wheel and are of no use to the bunch anyway. If you are behind someone who jumps
on the pedals when they hit the front do not reprimand the offender with cries
of ‘Don’t Surge’ unless the offender is a Frenchman named Serge
All races shall be referred to by the name given in its
country of origin, and care shall be taken to pronounce the name as well as
possible. For Belgian Races, it is preferable to choose the name given in its
region of origin, though it is at the speaker’s discretion to use either the
Flemish or Wallonian pronunciation. This principle shall also be extended to
apply to riders’ names, bicycle and component marquees, and
cycling accoutrements.
If it gets steeper, just push harder on the pedals. When
pressed on the matter, the Apostle Johan Museeuw simply replied, “Yes, why would
you slow down?”
This one also comes from the Apostle, Johan Museeuw, who said
to @frank: “Yes, no food on rides under four hours. You need to lose some
weight.” Or, as Fignon put it, sometimes, when we train, we simply have to go
out to meet the Man with the Hammer. The exception is, of course, hard rides
over two hours and races. Also, if you’re planning on being out for more than
four hours, start eating before you get hungry. This aslo applies to energy
drink supplements.
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